Agree?

    Today is Monday, April 30th of the years 2007. I am 16 years old and I'm hating everything. My life is perfect. I have every fucking reason in the damn world to be happy and I'm here wishing to cut just a little deeper. Wishing to stay under water just a little longer, To piss of a nigger just a bit more, take a couple more pills, to drink faster. Almost anything that will end my life. I want this more then anything in the world right now. But why is it that I can't take that last step. I think maybe it's because of the promise I made to Zack a while ago telling him that I wouldn't take my life.  I don't know. There are a millions reasons to and one reason not to. Zack is my entire life. I've put all y trust and my future on his shoulders but I am such a weak person that i can not do it alone. I've never been able to. Why should I put him through that? Why should I stay and tormnt his life. I should just go, disappear and let him realize what his life could really be all about. He could make it big without me holding him back. He could have fun in the single life like he wants some of the time. His life wold be perfect without me.
     My grandmother use to tell me that suicide was the most selfish act you could pull. I think about it and I really don't want to leave with everyone thinking of how selfish I was. And what a bitch I was. I really don't udersand myself most of the time. I don't know who I am, or what I was, am, can or will become. The thing I hate most is no knowing that not knowing my future is the worst thing anyone could possibly do to me. I've lived with not knowing for sixteen years. You would think I would be use to it by now. But no.. I'll never become used to it. I won't ever grow to enjoy the surprise. For people who hae surprises life sucks. Does anyone agree?

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Bored!!!

So bored. And so completely out of it. I miss Zachari so much. Though his mom has got him doing something so I can't even talk to him through text. I'm happy I get to see him tomorrow though at school but that's not really good enough. But it's going to have to do obviously. I hate being only 16.. Hmph.. Im going to stop complainning... Have a nice night.

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48 Hours of Nonstop Boyfriend

Being with a person for almost a straight 48 hours really makes you realize you dont know the person as well as you think. But this was all for the best . I knew how fun of a person Zack was. But I mean we laid in bed all weekend, Other then the Dance portion of it last night. But he made me laugh so hard. Just messing around. And he makes up little storys about everything his imagination is so creative and fun. God, I love that kid so much. I always use to think it was immature to say something  like " I want to spend the rest of my  life with this person." But... I really want to stay with this person forever. Not just because  i love him so much. But just because he is so fun and just everything I like in a person. Not to mention ihe is awesome at both guitar and drums and if I say so myself HOT! So anyways this weekend was so much fun in its own way. I'll post the stupsid little pictures that he took soon.

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Wow...

So this weekend should be interesting.  I have a military ball this Saturday night. I'm of course going with my boyfriend. I'm excited for that. But like.. My mom has grown a liking to Zack. And she cares for him like I do. And Zack has this friend Eric, whose mom is some pot head and is the most irresponsable mother I've ever known. I hate her so much and I've barely said so much as hi to her. I mean I feel bad for Eric cause I like him as a friend and all but I'm not all that close with him, but I can't stand it when Zack has to stay weekends over at his house when zack's mom is away. So my mom was in the room when I was talking to Zack about this for the fifthteenth million time and she felt uncomfortabe with it as well So al is said and done and Zack, My boyfried, is staying the weekend here at my house. We are ony sixteen and my mom still doens't even let me on the phone after eight. ( Just some proof of how strict she is ) So this is like realy weird and still trying to digust I suppose.. Though my mom is becoming a lot more leniant lately.  I've stayed with Zak over night one time but it was under completely different terms. It was a year ago when I ran away I stayed with him for a few night. And wow what nights they were but no body knew about them. Now we'll be in separate rooms and everything . It'll be a new experiance. And it kinda blows the military ball out of the water with antisapation.. Hmm.. We'll see.

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Last night

Last night seems all too much like a blur. It's interesting and I had lots of fun last night I just can't remember what all we did. And we didn't drink or anything so its not as if that's the reason. But just.. It was weird. Have a happy Sunday.

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Vaccums suck

    I'm going to Madison's tonight . It should be interesing. We always do something fun and not allowed.  But yesterday was really awesome. Zack came oer after school and we just messed around with each the whole time it was really fun and really so perfect. I'm so inlove with him And I want to say that it grows but really it doesn't I'm just always madly inlove with him  I don't think it can grow. Does love get that big?
    My parens are becoming really annoying this morning. They are all around and cleaning the house for some appraser dude. It's irritating and I wish that they would wait to vaccum until I was gone. I can stand the vaccum. I'm 16 and I hate the vaccum with a passion just because of the noise it makes.  There must be something wrong with me. Though we all knew that before. But you know. Just restating the obvious. Hmm.. Time to level up in Wow.

 

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Future Goals? Maybe...

    Today's been an exciting day. Sort of. But I've made some serious changes to my plans for the future. Before today I wanted to enlist in the Marines and go through college like that and study Phscyology or Crimialology. But I was talking with my AFJROTC Captain. And He knows of this scholarship that give full titution and book fees for any college that has a Navy Senior ROTC. And I have this college in mind that seems to fit well with me and it has a NSROTC. But this scholarship does go about grade point average. From what my Captain said is that all you need is really good scores on tests such as the SAT's or something and another just as important. But I've managed well test scores before when I needed to. So I'm thinking when I become a Junior in high school. ( Which will be next year ) I'll check out this scholarship through my captain and discuss what I need to qualtify for it. And if time goes by and I manage the scholarship and the college acception. After graduation I'll be off to Norwich, Vermont to attend Norwich Universtity and I'll come home to my boyfriend and friends and family every break I have and tell them how well I'm doing in the Crimialology classes I'm taking.
    I'm really excitied about my future. I'm so over this whole high school thing. The only thing I've gotten out of high school is my boyfriend and my wonderful friends. But this whole high school experiance is bringing me down and I want to get on with my life and make it as a New York cop and become an SVU detective. My dream job. :) Even though maybe Law And Order: SVU doesn't tell it all exactly. Oliva Benson is a hero of mine. I love the character and she's shaped my career goals. I want to help people in situations such as the sexually abused and raped.
    I guess I have a soft spot in my heart for victims such as those because I know how horrible it is to be one. But I'm just so anixous to get out there and prove myself.

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Introduction

    For everything I will probably mention through my posting here it will help you to know that I'm demented. People might find my thoughts disturbing but they sure as hell entertain me. I love to sleep so if I'm not on here, playing World Of Warcraft or sleeping at school, I'm asleep here in my room. I have a beat friend who've I've known since the second grade. Her name is Madison and she is one of three most awesomest people in my world. The others are my boyfriend, Zack, who've I've been with for a year, and one of the most coolest person you'll ever meet is Cory. I talk about myself a lot. But I'm not concieded. I don't like myself very much at all. And there are more then enough reasons I have for that. I like being called Shay on the internet, but if you meet me for real just call me Miranda.
    So anyways, on to the blogging. I have an eight year old brother, Ryan, Whose discovered sex way before he should have. He flipped to my mother and fathers porn one night I guess and that's how he got the mental part of it. It's funny to watch him learn new stuff so different then I did. Sometimes I think that my family seriously fucked up raiseing me. I'm beginning to rethink that. Maybe they did a perfect job with raiseing me. Besides the whole depression thing.
    It's almost been a year since I was in the hospital in Loma Linda for a week. In alot of ways I thought it was fun and I figured out how much I learned about myself that even then I didn't realise I learned anything at all besides that there really is crazy people there. Mostly I miss the staff, they were really cool. And also this one guy I started crushing on. ( Yeah, I know. Not the place to find a boyfriend, not as if I was looking though )
    But weird thing is, most of the staff was black. And lets face it. If you're black then there is no hope for you to becoming a friend of mine. I wasn't as bad as this forever. But there comes a point when you can't take any more bullshit from those inhabitant monkey and just begin hating them all.  But it's okay because not only are my friends like that also, but so is my family.
     Which brings me to a fact that sometimes I hate my family so bad, even when we haven't fought in almost forever. But trust me I am not saying anything about me complainning about us not fighting. I enjoy the quiet.
     Zack and I have been together for over a year and it's still feeling like a new relationship which is super werid because I've gone out with him three times before. I mean I'm not uncomfortable around him ( Though mind you, I refuse to fart infront of him ) Because he is very comfortable to be around no matter who you are. But like, Feelings wise. Like my feelings for him, the love I claim seems to be so new, yet I know it's not. It's couldn't possibly be new.
    The thing I hate most about our relationship is that we argue a lot, and we are like always " about to break up " But that's usually when I want to have fun with other peopl and want to be free to crush on someone and not feel guilty, even if I still crush on people.  There of course are two people that I think about other then Zachari. One is Charlie.
Charlie is that great looking, I mean he's good looking but I've seen better. Besides Zack is the hottest person ever. But Charlie just has something about him. He's nice and caring. and he's funny. But I surely do not like him talking about his eight inch cock all the time, and him telling me that he could turn me on like no other can. But he's still a really fun person to be around.
     So is Analyssia. One of my really good friends. She's so great to be with. And her body is amazing. I don't know if I'm jealous for her body or if I want her body. Both ways keep me liking her more and more. Though she flirts around way to much for my taste, Which really actually bugs me alot. Even though she isnt mine to have, I still like her alot.
     But I love Zack. Not no amount of crushes or how big there are will never take over my love for him. I always thought about how great it would be to fall in love and stay in love. And now that I've found out, I like it but i wished I would have found it later, Say senior year. I have fun with him but I would have just liked to have my high school years be what everyone says they would have been. But I guess everyones experiance is differnt.

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